The Worst Beers of 2009

My favorite time of year: end-of-year-list time. It's not entirely easy to get motivated to write about my least favorite beers, you know with me not liking them and all, but it has to be done. Instead of ranking them this year as I did in 2008, I'm simply going to divide my least favorite suds into a few catchy categories. My apologies if I shatter your favorite beer's feelings. And no, Stella Artois and New Belgium Fat Tire, as much as I despise the idea of those beers (as well as the taste) aren't on this list.

To qualify, I must have tried a beer for the first time in 2009 (some beers I had had previously, but before journaling).

The Macro No-Brainers (I hesitate to even list them):

Miller High Life Light
Michelob Ultra
Strohs
Keystone Light
Coors

I mean really. What a waste of a)my drinking time and allotted calories, b)my typing time, and c)your reading time.

Some notes: Strohs got a full star because I was in a great mood at the time, night fishing in Lake Blanche. It's likely the last Strohs (was it the first?) I'll ever have. Thanks Uncle Dave for leaving that one in the cabin fridge.

Coors, while not being a great beer, sports one of the best cans in the business. And it was enjoyed on the golf course, so who am I to complain.

The non-macro scuzz:

Blue Diamond Lager. Early in the year, I confirmed what I had thought upon my first attempt at this gem. It is in all likelihood the worst beer of all time. For further elaboration, read that post.

Grain Belt Premium Light. Especially painful because I actually enjoy a nice cold Grain Belt Premium every now and then. It leaves all other cased-can beers far behind. The Light edition is painful.

Iron City Light. Apparently legendary in Pennsylvania, or so I'm told by Arizona relatives. Couldn't resist when a six pack hit the counter at a pre-wedding gathering in Phoenix. Not the worst light beer I've encountered; in fact, I probably would have slammed a few if I had to. Luckily, I didn't.

Around the World in Crappy suds:

Henninger Premium Lager. Bought this solely for the can. Knew it would be bad, but this was beyond disgusting. Probably would be 2nd on the worst of list behind BDL.

Presidente. Available everywhere in the Caribbean, I slugged mine before boarding the ship in the Dominican Republic. The best thing about this beer? The $3 accompanying dog toy ball.

Tsingtao Pure Draft. A common thread: purchased strictly so I could possess a bottle full of Chinese characters. Bought this one at an Asian marketplace outside Chicago.

The Craft Brewing Mistakes:

Leinenkugels 1888 Bock. Maybe I'm ignorant, but a dunkler bock sounds skunky right off the bat. I had zero relevant notes from my original tasting: "Utterly horrible. Took my best effort to finish it." Thankfully, it'll be the last one I finish.

Sam Adams Blackberry Witbier. The gold standard for syrupy, overly sweet fruit bombs. "Yuck yuck yuck. Cough syrup. Awful."

Left Hand Polestar Pilsner. Just a messy pilsner from a brewery I had no luck with this year. "Like gnawing on a sock. Bad even as a chaser. Dreadful." And these comments even with the built in vacation ratings boost.

Spanish Peaks Honey Raspberry Ale. Given to me for free by Ed from Heritage Liquor after I told him I was providing beer for a work gathering that would include women. "Sometimes they go for stuff like this," he said. They didn't, and it was I who suffered. "Tasteless and flat, like a sparkling water that's been left in the fridge."

Firehouse Hefeweizen. A stab in the dark sixer purchase gone horribly wrong. "Tastes like a Mich lite. Not a hefeweizen. If I wasn't so poor, this six pack would go down the drain."

If you found any of these delights in your stocking this holiday season, I'm sorry. Maybe you can enjoy them more than I did. If you've avoided them to date, continue to do so until impending Mayan apocalypse.

21st Amendment

What better night than a freezing Wednesday to try two of the newer beers to the Minnesota scene, 21st Amendment's Brew Free! or Die IPA and Monk's Blood. I have to force myself to type as I drink them, because my journal notes aren't thorough enough for a full post, and though I've had plenty of beers recently, I can't put together a coherent paragraph weeks after the sampling. So, for these reviews, I'll write what I think as I taste, and we'll see how that looks. I'll start with the IPA.

21st Amendment Brew Free! or Die IPA

Brewery: 21st Amendment, San Francisco, California (Contract brewed at Cold Spring Brewery in Cold Spring, Minnesota)

Style: India Pale Ale

ABV: 7.2%

Rating: 3.5 stars

The look: Classic cloudy melon IPA color. Almost like a glass of orange jello that's been dirtied up. Not much light gets through. Fair amount of head that dissipates soon after pouring. Good lace left on the glass, and yes, you should pour it into a glass.

The smell: Again, classic IPA smell. Big aromatic hops; citrusy and grapefruit. There's something here though that I can't quite pinpoint, and it's a detractor. Almost like rotten fruit. Let's hope it doesn't carry over to the taste.

The taste: Maybe if I could get that smell out of my brain, it wouldn't transfer to the taste. But it does. I even poured it into a different pint glass to make sure it wasn't the glass. It instantly latches onto my tongue, but luckily, doesn't hang around for much longer. Just tried a swig while plugging my nose. A little better. I will admit: this is the last beer from the six pack and the first where I've really noticed this off-putting aroma. I think I'll brush it off as an anomaly. Let's focus on the other flavors.

It's balanced. Bitter, but not the bitterest. Sweet, but not the sweetest. Floral, but not the floral...est. It definitely has a sturdy backbone that a 7.2% beer must, but it's the bitter bite that is the lasting flavor.

The mouthfeel: Fairly delicate for a beer of this content. Runs smoothly through the throat. There isn't much carbonation, so it's a little more flat and less sparkling than many beer drinkers might be used to. Overall, it's a pleasant visitor to the mouth.

The drinkability: If it weren't for the rotten fruit factor, I'd say high. It drinks fast and leaves a good lasting impression. However, we can't ignore the most prominent characteristic, and I think a rotten taste would discourage me quite considerably.

I liked the first four I had more than I liked the one I so closely scrutinized. Therefore, I can't pan it. I also know that it's a well-respected beer and of the reviews I read after writing mine, none mentioned a similar peculiarity. The one feeling many reviewers had was a hesitancy to expect a decent beer from a can. This is absurd. One of our favorite midwest breweries (easily the best in Minnesota), Surly, packages its beers in cans, and many breweries have gone to cans in recent years: Oskar Blues and SKA come to mind. Don't be afraid to love a beer from a can.

21st Amendment Monk's Blood

Brewery: 21st Amendment, San Francisco, California (contract brewed again)

Style: Belgian Dark Ale

ABV: 8.3%

Rating: 4.5 stars

First things first: a KILLER can. Although it's incredibly difficult to read the inscription (it circles the can in a small medieval font), it looks cool, and the monk's haircuts are spectacular. Let's crack this baby open.

Here's the description given: a Belgian-style dark ale brewed with cinnamon, vanilla oak chips and dried figs. We'll get to the smell and taste in a bit, but first the appearance. The color is outstanding; it pours a deep purple and a full tulip glass maintains the purple, but looks pretty black next to the can. It's not a thick stout black, though. It looks more like a soda, with visible carbonation and a silky swirlability. Little head and virtually no lacing.

The figs are the first and strongest smell. At first sniff, I wondered if I could distinguish it from a fruit beer, but upon further sniffings, the vanilla and the oak worked their way through. The figs are prominent, but they are subdued by the other elements.

From the first taste, I'm pretty sure I'll like this more than the IPA. It's so silky, and the figs are delicious. The vanilla and cinnamon give it a sweet creamy texture and the Belgian yeast is evident, but not overpowering. It's warm, pleasant and so drinkable. This does not drink like a beer of its substance. Even more than the slippery IPA, Monk's Blood slides down the throat effortlessly.

This is the first release in the brewery's Insurrection Series (aren't all breweries doing limited edition series right now?). It most certainly won't be around for long. Do yourself a favor, go to your nearest bestest liquor store, drop ten bucks, and be a happy drinker.