Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Worst Beer of All Time?

It's a bit early in the year, you might say, for me to put a Schlage lock on 2009's worst beer, but I say no. In fact, I'm not stopping there. Blue Diamond Lager, supposedly brewed by Cold Spring Brewery in Cold Spring, MN, very well could be the worst beer ever produced.

I'll lay out the argument in a bit, but first, let's explore some opinions on the subject. I'm eliminating malt beverages, or 40s, because they simply cannot be included in any sane conversation about skunky beers. They are intended to be cheap and skunky, and their sole purpose is to get homeless people and college idiots drunk as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I know this because not long ago I was a college student who occasionally participated in such desperate acts. Anyway.

So, the masses have their word. A quick google search for "worst beer of all time" produces quite hefty results. A July, 2008, list on Rockthelist.com gives the nod to something called Billy Beer. After reading that link, I'll be visiting ebay upon finishing this entry.

Quick side note: many results of this search lead to message boards and forums regarding the worst beers of all time. I'm skipping them, settling only for firm lists probably written by bored college stoners posing as legitimate internet writers.

Second quick side note: it appears almost all of the results are message board and forum collections. Slightly disappointed none of the mainstream top-ten-list-heavy publications haven't picked this topic up.

If I remember correctly, Busch Non-Alcoholic held the edge at ratebeer.com, but that portion of the website isn't functioning right now, so I guess you'll have to take my word on that. Other common message board suggestions seem to always point back to Wisconsin--a version of Milwaukee's Best, a Miller product, something from LaCrosse, and I generally agree. I still remember a 30-pack of Milwaukee's Best Special Reserve Ice we saved for months in our college house specifically to give to underage kids we didn't like, and who didn't know any better, at our parties.

But I'm telling you, Blue Diamond Lager pummels them all.

How bad is this beer? Records of its existence are almost impossible to locate. It does not have a page at either ratebeer.com or beeradvocate.com, and is unrecognized by Cold Spring Brewery's website. A google search for Blue Diamond Lager returns almost nothing promising. But I promise you, it exists, and there are currently 9 unopened cans from a $4.99 12-pack resting lukewarm in a melted-ice cooler in Chaska, MN.

I knew this had to be the worst beer of all time because it lasted months in my college house (which held five beer-thirsty, uber-poor men) for months and outlasted beer pong parties, tailgating festivities and late-night paper inspiration binges.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because, though I know it will go unconsumed, it is a must purchase whenever I spot it in a liquor store. This past weekend in Winona was the first I'd seen it since those fateful college days more than three years ago.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because it serves as punishment for drinking games. It can be used as a test of one's manliness and pain threshold. Its taste cannot be likened to anything, because there is no other edible product on this planet that tastes as bad.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because the only place I could find a picture of it was on a website dedicated to obscure beer can collecting, just below Blitz Light and the generic Beer.

And I know this is the worst beer of all time simply because the sensation that overwhelms your senses upon tasting is something that cannot be described, nor can it be compared to any other tasting you'll ever endure. I wish I could put this more eloquently, but the simplicity of this statement should radiate with clarity: Blue Diamond Lager is the worst beer I've ever, and will ever have.


al said...

worst beer ever, eh?
I consider that a challenge...

although, there is a frozen can of Milwaukee's Best Ice on my stoop...maybe that's the worst beer ever?

Once it thaws, I'll let you know.

Anonymous said...

Hey nephew.....Great blog. Ask your grandpa if he has a can of Billy beer. I'd bet a pay check he's still got one. You can ask him about Milwaukee Best too. This was his beer of choice after they stopped brewing Hamms. Cheers! Uncle Mike L.