The Worst Beer of All Time?

It's a bit early in the year, you might say, for me to put a Schlage lock on 2009's worst beer, but I say no. In fact, I'm not stopping there. Blue Diamond Lager, supposedly brewed by Cold Spring Brewery in Cold Spring, MN, very well could be the worst beer ever produced.

I'll lay out the argument in a bit, but first, let's explore some opinions on the subject. I'm eliminating malt beverages, or 40s, because they simply cannot be included in any sane conversation about skunky beers. They are intended to be cheap and skunky, and their sole purpose is to get homeless people and college idiots drunk as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I know this because not long ago I was a college student who occasionally participated in such desperate acts. Anyway.

So, the masses have their word. A quick google search for "worst beer of all time" produces quite hefty results. A July, 2008, list on Rockthelist.com gives the nod to something called Billy Beer. After reading that link, I'll be visiting ebay upon finishing this entry.

Quick side note: many results of this search lead to message boards and forums regarding the worst beers of all time. I'm skipping them, settling only for firm lists probably written by bored college stoners posing as legitimate internet writers.

Second quick side note: it appears almost all of the results are message board and forum collections. Slightly disappointed none of the mainstream top-ten-list-heavy publications haven't picked this topic up.

If I remember correctly, Busch Non-Alcoholic held the edge at ratebeer.com, but that portion of the website isn't functioning right now, so I guess you'll have to take my word on that. Other common message board suggestions seem to always point back to Wisconsin--a version of Milwaukee's Best, a Miller product, something from LaCrosse, and I generally agree. I still remember a 30-pack of Milwaukee's Best Special Reserve Ice we saved for months in our college house specifically to give to underage kids we didn't like, and who didn't know any better, at our parties.

But I'm telling you, Blue Diamond Lager pummels them all.

How bad is this beer? Records of its existence are almost impossible to locate. It does not have a page at either ratebeer.com or beeradvocate.com, and is unrecognized by Cold Spring Brewery's website. A google search for Blue Diamond Lager returns almost nothing promising. But I promise you, it exists, and there are currently 9 unopened cans from a $4.99 12-pack resting lukewarm in a melted-ice cooler in Chaska, MN.

I knew this had to be the worst beer of all time because it lasted months in my college house (which held five beer-thirsty, uber-poor men) for months and outlasted beer pong parties, tailgating festivities and late-night paper inspiration binges.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because, though I know it will go unconsumed, it is a must purchase whenever I spot it in a liquor store. This past weekend in Winona was the first I'd seen it since those fateful college days more than three years ago.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because it serves as punishment for drinking games. It can be used as a test of one's manliness and pain threshold. Its taste cannot be likened to anything, because there is no other edible product on this planet that tastes as bad.

I know this is the worst beer of all time because the only place I could find a picture of it was on a website dedicated to obscure beer can collecting, just below Blitz Light and the generic Beer.

And I know this is the worst beer of all time simply because the sensation that overwhelms your senses upon tasting is something that cannot be described, nor can it be compared to any other tasting you'll ever endure. I wish I could put this more eloquently, but the simplicity of this statement should radiate with clarity: Blue Diamond Lager is the worst beer I've ever, and will ever have.

January Snackers: Domestics

I wasn't sure I could make it, but I went four consecutive days without having a beer. Let's just say I'm rewarding myself tonight. In the meantime, here's a brief recap of some of the best domestics I've had this year.

Victory Prima Pils

Victory
Downington, Pennsylvania
5.3% ABV
3.5 stars

I guess I was too busy hammering Bell's and Surly last year to really get into Victory, but the third of their offerings I've had this year (and I'm probably tackling Old Horizontal and Storm King later tonight) was probably the best pilsner I've ever had. Apologies, of course, to Pilsner Urquell, but the flavors were unbelievably clean in the Victory, which I had on tap at Bryant Lake Bowl. Nice and grassy, with a large dollop of bitter hops. Pilsner definitely isn't one of my favorite styles of beer, but I liked this quite a bit. It's easy to see why Prima Pils ranks among the top ten pilsners at RateBeer.

Avery Old Jubilation Ale

Avery
Boulder, Colorado
8% ABV
4 stars

Via friend recommendation. Lovely winter scene on the label, for starters. This beer had a terrific round flavor--you could taste layers from the time it hit your tongue til the moment it splashed your stomach. Chewy, thick, but with a nice spicy hop kick. A beer that has a bunch of alcohol, but is disguised quite well. Plus, the Gophers were en route to a shocking overtime victory at Wisconsin at the time of consumption, so it gets an extra boost there.

Great Divide Hibernation Ale

Great Divide
Denver, Colorado
8.1% ABV
4 stars

Strong. This flavor would survive a simple rinse of the glass, I think. It's dense and rich; very malty. Not a lot of bite in it, but it's meaty enough to take up an hour of your time and not feel laborious. Would serve well as a nightcap, as it has that pleasant warming feel that we all enjoy around midnight.

Samuel Adams Imperial Pilsner

Boston Beer Company
Boston, Massachusetts
8.8% ABV
4 stars

So, if Prima Pils was the best pilsner I've sampled, how does this one get an extra half star? Check the alcohol content amigo. This is massive. I'd never even heard of an imperial pilsner when I saw this on the shelf, and I was skeptical upon purchase. Remember, I'm not a huge pilsner guy to begin with. I guess you can add me to the imperial pilsner facebook group, though, because this baby satisfied me to no end. It reminded me in flavor a lot of Surly's Bitter Brewer, heavy on the citrus, but about five times as strong. Had a buttery texture but somehow was still quite crisp. I loved the extreme bitterness up front, and fear that this could be a dangerous beer to drink in mass quantities. Good thing it's sold in four-packs, because six of these would equal one large morning headache.

January Snackers: Global Edition

I've decided to go on a mini body cleanse, something I convince myself to try every few months, and am trying to stay away from beer and other chemicals this week. These breaks usually happen right before I know my body will be taking a toll; in this case, it's a throwback kegger with the boys on Saturday, followed by a massive Super Bowl bash the next Sunday. Not long after, I'll be aboard a Caribbean cruise ship for a week. It's not exactly the healthiest of schedules. This week, and potentially the weeks in between events, will be dedicated to purging and cleansing.

Luckily, I reserve the other 48 weeks of the year for complete body negligence, and have a decent reservoir of early '09 reviews I can tap into. I'll hit a few today (you can call them something more catchy than January Snackers if you'd like) and save a few for later. Since I'm only doing mini reviews, I'll link the beers to their corresponding RateBeer.com pages if you'd like more information or opinion.

Verhaeghe Duchesse de Bourgogne

Verhaeghe
Vichte, West-Vlaanderen, Belgium
6.2% ABV
4 stars

A Belgian sour ale, a traditional Flemish red ale--call it what you want, but this one's spunky. I'm beginning to think that I can not just tolerate, but love this wild yeast stuff. I sampled this one at The Bulldog Lowertown in St. Paul, which is an expansive, fresh spot to get some good beer. Not the longest list of beers in town, but it's roomy, and the option of getting a flight of beers is nice. The waitress couldn't tell us the order of the flight, but an astute nose could figure it out. If you don't think you have one of those, ask the bartender. Staff's beer knowledge is a bit lacking.

Anyway, the beer had the vinegar sourness, but was sneaky sweet. One person in the group described it as a liquid sweet tart. I wouldn't go that far--if you dove into a glass of this with on the condition that it tasted like candy, you'd be in trouble. Unless you coat your candy in vinegar I guess. A good beer nonetheless.

Coniston Bluebird Bitter

Coniston
Coniston, England
3.6% ABV
3.5 stars

Part of the same sampler as the sour, this English bitter obviously didn't pack the same potency, but subtlety can be a huge strength in a beer. This one smelled of honey and sweet rum, and the honey was a huge component of the taste. Very nice thin texture. If you're looking for an approachable bitter, and one that you could drink a few pints of, this could be the one. The subtle sweetness balanced out the bitter component, and for a low-content beer (3.6%), the flavor was outstanding. Make sure you get the cask version, though, it looks from the reviews like the bottle doesn't go down quite as well.

Unibroue Blanche de Chambly

Unibroue
Chambly, Canada
5% ABV
3.5 stars

Unibroue sampler packs are beginning to pop up all over the place recently, and I received one as a Christmas gift from a co-worker (love co-workers who do their homework). It's not exactly the best time to dive into a Belgian White, but it's a beer-drinker's responsibility to be able to assess a beer objectively despite the circumstances.

Big froth on this one. I know it's called head, and I could use a finger measurement, but this really did remind me of cappuccino froth. Classic spicy witbier smell. I enjoyed the color spectrum especially on this one, from a dusty lemon peel to cloudy melon. Drinking this beer in the proper glass allows you to fully appreciate the multiple senses a beer can tickle.

There was definitely more fruit than spice as far as taste goes, and if you're not a fan of wheat beers, well, you know to stay away. But on the right day (maybe a Saturday), and in the right place (maybe on a boat) this beer could be perfect.

Eisenbahn Defumada

Cervejeria Sudbrack
Blumenau, Brazil
6.5%
2.5 stars

My first Brazilian beer, and one of the few smoked beers I've had. Right off the bat, I'll tell you that it's no Surly Smoke, nor is it close. But it's not bad. The smell was strangely sweet to me; I couldn't stop thinking about tangy barbeque sauce. Sweetness came through in the taste, with some caramel as well. It was good for a few sips, but I labored to get the whole bottle down. Eisenbahn is beginning to show up in Minnesota (I bought this one in South Dakota of all places) so maybe I'll give it another try.

Samichlaus Bier

Brewery: Brewery Castle Eggenberg, Eggenberg, Austria

Style: Doppelbock

ABV: 14%

Rating: 4 stars



No misprint: 14% alcohol. The self-proclaimed 'world's most extraordinary beer' hit shelves again late in 2008 as the world's highest-content lager. So, how do they achieve this insane content level? Well, the beer is brewed once a year on December 6, then fermented slowly over the next ten months. There is a more complicated and technical beer-speak explanation, but just imagine what would happen to any food you kept in the fridge for ten months. You can imagine the strong character it might develop.

Samichlaus is the perfect example that a beer's color has no direct correlation to its strength. You could put this beer next to a Killian's Irish Red and I'd bet it would be difficult to tell the difference. It's a light-deflecting red--remember, it is a lager, not an imperial stout.

I was pleasantly delighted at the aroma. My first sniff yielded a potent alcohol kick, but when I dipped down again, I found many subtle touches. I swear I smelled Greek olives or some kind of vinaigrette, but I could have just been hungry. There was definitely some sparkling white grape, though, and the intense sweetness had some acidic balance to it. Certainly I caught a whiff of caramel.

The taste was pure sweetness, though it took a few minutes to settle in. It's unfair to take one sip and make any proclamations, and this one had me reeling off the bat. Like the aroma, the alcohol kick was substantial--maybe not in the mouth, but going down the throat. It burned like the hard stuff does, and for a second I thought I might need a beer chaser. No matter, I pressed on.

The taste, as I found, improved as the glass emptied. As a skeptic, I must entertain the idea that this was because my level of intoxication was jumping dramatically each time I took a swallow. Did that have something to do with my increasing enjoyment? Maybe, but who cares. If a beer can get me buzzed enough during the course of 11 ounces that I change my opinion of it, doesn't that by definition make it an outstanding beer?

It, for the second half of the glass, tasted like I was drinking liquid caramel. Not the first taste I look for in a beer, but by no means was it unpleasant. You might think that a 14% beer would be borderline undrinkable (think of all the terrible high-content malt beverages out there), but the long fermentation process presumably gives this beer its smoothness. It does have a lingering taste in the mouth that isn't the most friendly, but it makes up for that with a nice warming burn that is welcomed on a winter's day. And the alcohol content was disguised quite well; I've had 8% beers that did worse.

Without question, this was a terrific experience for me. It will go on my mental mantle of beerdom next to the other classics and strange beers I've tried. Not the best beer I've had and not close, but was it the most extraordinary?

No, I guess not.

But I still liked it.

Tyranena: Rocky's Revenge and Devil Over a Barrel

Tyranena made a pretty big splash this fall in Minnesota, and it's continuing into 2009 for me. I loved their IPAs they released in the warmer months, but waited until the bitter cold (-17 today in Minneapolis) to sample the heartier stuff. Last night I destroyed the Devil Over a Barrel, an Imperial Oatmeal Porter with Coffee Beans, and tonight I'm tackling Rocky's Revenge, a Brown Ale.

I'll start with the Barrel. Couldn't find a picture of it, but it's part of the 'Brewers Gone Wild!' series that has produced a number of bud-challenging offerings. Barrel is no different. As soon as I dislodged the cap, I was transported to school mornings growing up, when I'd wander sleepily into a coffee-stained kitchen. The coffee smell was beyond potent.

As a non-coffee drinker (the childhood kitchen scarred me), I was concerned. How could I possibly enjoy a beer that tasted so strongly of beanage. The first few sips were challenging, but by the halfway point, I could barely put the glass down. I guess I'll attribute that to the oatmeal aspect of the beer. I can't quite explain it, but it's as if the oatmeal was a smooth bridge from the tip-of-the-lips coffee taste to the spicy throat tickle. That middle portion of the drink was so smooth, it didn't matter what the front end tasted like.

It's good to have an outstanding porter. Imperial porters are especially difficult to find. I feel like porters would be an easy transition for people who enjoy beers like Michelob Amber Bock or fake darks of that nature. They are smooth, potent, and packed with flavor. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this one as a starting point, but once you have an appreciation for the style, Devil Over a Barrel is a must.

As for Rocky's Revenge. This beer is a year-round Tyranena option, and fairly priced. It's tabbed as a brown ale, with 'a portion aged in bourbon barrels.' I don't have many brown ales, and they too aren't very prominent these days (four versions of Surly's Bender are currently among RateBeer.com's 25 highest-rated brown ales). Newcastle is a common brown ale that comes to mind.

Well Rocky's Revenge is a good one. I didn't get much of a sniff on this one, and it took me a few sips to get a handle on what I enjoyed about it. There's definitely bourbon in there, but nothing overpowering. I really grasped onto a wonderful sweetness that was present in every gulp, a nice vanilla cream that you can't help but like.

There's no comparison between the two beers when it comes to potency, and Barrel is clearly a more complex, rich beer, but Rocky is an easy drink and one I'd offer to any average beer drinker. I pounded it in a half hour, and that was while I was typing this. It's a good gateway, as they say, to get to know unfamiliar kinds of beers. As far as ratings go, I'd give Devil Over a Barrel 4.5 stars and Rocky's Revenge 4.

Rochefort Trappistes 8

Brewery: Brasserie de Rochefort (Abbaye de Notre-Dame de Saint-Remy), Rochefort, Belgium

Style: Belgian Strong Dark Ale

ABV: 9.2%

Rating: 4.5 stars

What happens when you have this beer that in your mind you've always considered your favorite beer of all time. You keep this beer in your back pocket, not drinking one for a couple years while you develop some beer tasting and rating chops. You buy it in mid-December, pencil it in as your New Year's Eve nightcap, ideally topping off the best beer-drinking year of your life with the best beer of your life. Except do you really want to have your favorite beer--and rate it for the first time--when the ball drops to midnight, after you've had multiple drinks and clouded your overall (not to mention beer-rating) judgment? I guess not.

So my long-labeled favorite beer of all time sat in my fridge for a month, until last night.

But what happens when your favorite beer of all time is no longer your favorite beer of all time? It is sort of a mindset-altering experience. Even though when I was asked the all-time question, I would always preface Rochefort 8 by saying 'I'm not quite sure it still is, but I've always considered it to be...' And maybe that's why I didn't rate on in 2008. I didn't want to know. Didn't want to have to potentially change my mental rankings.

There's a very easy parallel to be drawn between this reluctance and my reluctance to knock clearly inferior, but sentimentally meaningful songs off my all time favorite songs list. Sure, maybe with my keener ear and more mature understanding of music a Get Up Kids emo-ballad doesn't stand up to a TV On the Radio psych-out. Maybe a Grain Belt Premium doesn't have the full-bodied flavor of a Bell's Third Coast Old Ale. But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe sentimentality still has a place in ratings, and the power of pleasant memories should be included in the final tally.

Maybe I can still convince myself that Rochefort Trappistes 8 is my favorite beer of all time.

But no, I can't. There are too many good beers out there that just plain taste better to justify putting this one at top simply for poetic reasons.

I almost feel like I can't really even rate the beer at this point. I'll try. The first signal I received last night that maybe this wasn't the beer I remembered was its color. It pours a muddy, murky mahogany, so hazy that no light in my house could puncture it. This color of beer usually does not bode well for my taste buds.

It smells quite strong, and smells more like adjectives than it does actual identifiable scents: warm, deep, dark. There are definitely some dark fruits in there; figs, cherries, but mostly it smells like it looks. A bit daunting.

The fruits come through in the taste, and I can picture a friend of mine sensing a bit of cough syrup in this one. It is highly carbonated, which is a nice way to balance the bold flavor and high alcohol content. If you feel like you're drinking something sparkling, it really can't be that strong, can it? Mixed reviews about the prominence of alcohol, but if I can't taste it outright, I definitely know it's there.

The most pleasant characteristic about this beer is the wonderful burn it leaves. It's warming like a cognac, setting your mouth, esophagus and stomach ablaze. A nice second taste in every swallow. After a bottle of this, I wouldn't say you feel refreshed, but you do feel satisfied.

Maybe it isn't my favorite beer of all time, that potentially dubious honor now falling to Orval. But this is still a really good beer, and a must-try for anyone looking to broaden their beer palate. And perhaps I'll try another one in a couple years, forget about its old sentimental value, and leapfrog it back to the top.

Victory Battle: HopDevil vs. Hop Wallop

HopDevil

vs.
Hop Wallop

Two of my first beers of 2009 happened to be two hopped-up offerings from Downington, Pennsylvania's Victory Brewing Company. I decided to pit the two against each other without prejudging them based on any of the beer ratings websites. I'll attack the competition from the various components of beer rating, and in the interest of space I'll refer to them as 'Devil' and 'Wallop.' The 'Hop' seems a bit redundant.

Appearance: Devil comes out quite cloudy, darker than orange but not quite to the candy cherry level. Let's call it light ruby. I tend to use ruby as a beer color quite a bit. Wallop is much more golden, while still cloudy. The color spectrum runs from pure gold at the bottom to a sort of amberish-melon at the top. Wallop definitely has the larger head of the two, but neither stick around for long. Edge: Wallop.

Smell: Devil reeks of floral hops, as you can imagine. It's much the same as many IPAs out there, and although I don't want to bulk them all together, this isn't an aroma I haven't smelled before. Wallop gives me a little more complexity. Yes, those monster hops are instantly present, but there's a sweet side to this one, maybe honey, that I didn't detect in the Devil. With that said, if my nose could subconsciously gravitate toward one smell, I bet it'd pick over-the-top hops. Edge: Devil.

Taste: Well. I must say off the bat that neither of these would rank among my top ten hopfuls, and that is disappointing. Devil's flavor actually made me raise my eyebrows a bit. It was, without exaggeration, like eating a fresh hop right off the plant. I didn't get any citrus, no sweetness, and not much depth. A potent kick to the taste buds. Wallop wasn't as blatant, and had much better balance. It's crispier and brighter at the start, but slows down to a smooth butter. And the hops are bold enough. Plus, there's a bit more alcohol in this one. Edge: Wallop.

Mouthfeel: I like Devil here. It has a huge pine finish and leaves the palate quite dry, which I love. Wallop is dry as well, but it's much more smooth going down than it is clingy. Edge: Devil.

Drinkability: As I said earlier, you won't find either of these on my best of '09 list (already thinking about it). Therefore, I wouldn't seek either out at my local beer store in favor of a different staple. Wallop is a seasonal, but Devil is available all year. They're both drinkable. They're both decent. I guess I just like Wallop a bit more. Edge: Wallop.

Final tally: Hop Wallop 3, HopDevil 2. It's really not that close for me. The difference in taste is enough to sway the whole argument.